The artist Eva Hesse suffered from swings of anxiety and self- doubt usually triggered by creative blocks. In 1965 she wrote to her friend Sol Lewitt explaining her predicament: she felt stuck and didn’t trust herself in any creative direction. In his reply Lewitt urged her to look inside herself to find her most concealed parts and then DO: ‘Try and tickle something inside you, your ‘weird humour’. You belong in the most secret part of you. Don’t worry about cool, make your own uncool. Make your own, your own world. If you fear, make it work for you - draw and paint your fear & anxiety. . .DO’
I was thinking about this yesterday as I walked to teach my morning yoga class. I was feeling demoralised because no-one had signed up and was wondering if there was any point in showing up myself. As I began to slip down a mental slope of harsh self-criticism (‘no-one wants to come to your class - pathetic!’/‘you’re clearly not good enough - just give up!’) I remembered Sol’s advice to Eva: ‘don’t worry about cool, make your own uncool.’ We live in a culture where success is measured in metrics: your number of instagram followers (or Substack subscribers!) determines your influence and power and ‘coolness’. This way of thinking can be toxic for a teacher or creative person who wants to share their work.
When I arrived at the empty studio I commended myself for showing up. At 9.35am (5 minutes after the start of the class) it was becoming obvious that no-one was coming. But a little voice inside encouraged me to stay on my mat a bit longer. I lay down on my back hugging my knees into my chest. After 10 minutes of rolling around, stretching and breathing I decided to pack up and go for a walk in the sunshine (this hour away from my 1 year old daughter is precious and I didn’t want to waste it inside). I turned off the music and was slipping on my shoes when I heard a voice, slightly out of breath behind me: ‘am I late? Did I miss the class?’ A young woman was standing there with her yoga mat under her arm. I couldn’t believe it! I told her she was the only student who had made it and asked if she still want to practice together. ‘Yes!’ I subsequently discovered that she had travelled from Kensington to attend the class (if you know anything about London geography, this is quite a distance to travel) and had missed her train, which was why she was 15 minutes late.
Sara was new to yoga so we spent an hour slowly moving and I introduced her to some of the foundational poses that I use in my sequencing. She was a delight to teach and I was amazed that she had travelled such a distance to attend my class. Thank god I didn’t leave earlier!
I learnt a valuable lesson yesterday: when I just show up, magic can happen.
I have a habit of talking myself out of showing up for myself and others - in my mind I create excuses for why I shouldn’t do something or go somewhere. In the past it has kept me safe but unsurprisingly it has also kept me small. Showing up requires intelligence, intuition, empathy, generosity, confidence, and a willingness to be vulnerable.
Here is a little list of ways I would like to show up for myself going forward:
free my neck! This is an Alexander Technique principle that requires constant practice. When my neck is ‘free’ I am much more in control of my thinking habits, my emotional habits and my physical habits.
know my values and my boundaries.
drink more water!
don’t question myself.
And here is a little list of examples of people showing up for me in my life recently - there are loads more examples but these just came to mind as I wrap up writing this newsletter today!
my younger sister volunteered to babysit for me and my husband when our babysitter cancelled last minute.
my husband has been away on a work trip over the last couple of weeks. On the day he left my mother-in-law made a four hour round trip to come and spend the afternoon with me and my daughter.
a number of friends, who have families and relationships of their own, came to visit us over the weekend when he was away.
my friend and her husband bought me and Tallulah coffee and croissants in our local cafe. The same friend, who has an intense job during the week, sends me thoughtful voice notes about how she is doing during her breaks. It feels like we are having a conversation when I listen to them.
Thank you for showing up for me by reading this each week. Your feedback means so much to me. Wishing you all a love filled Valentines 💖🥰😍
I love this. Thank you, such a great reminder.